First, I’d like to say that I was not compelled to write this by any person or anything other than the desire in my heart. I’ve stepped away from the internet for an hour or so to think things over and not be influenced by things that may be said regarding the events of the past 24 hours. I speak for no one but myself; I believe we all should understand that when we post…we do not speak for others.
With that out of the way, I want to say that I am truly sorry for any hurt that may have been caused to members of Circvs Maximvs because of the thread I fueled early this morning, and my participation in follow-up threads that it has spawned. I fully accept responsibility for my actions, and the consequences of those actions.
I believe that labeling it a board invasion, board war, or suggesting that it was a concerted effort by any group of people is mistaken. I can tell you that I certainly had no foreknowledge; I only saw Bullitt’s thread here, I did not realize he was starting one on NTL at the time. That’s not to say I couldn’t anticipate what would come, even without the other thread.
Upon self-reflection, I realize that I’ve been wrong about several things, and have, in some ways, become that which I despised. I often rail against people taking the internet too seriously, or trying to build community and personal relationships with people through the medium. But what have I done? Exactly that. My online persona has been largely shaped by my interaction at NTL in its various incarnations. Mostly that’s because I enjoy the type of humor and attitude the core members have. Some will disagree with my assessment, but I’m not here to argue that point. That place is something special, and many real-life friendships have grown out of it that I cherish quite a bit. And many of them are with people with whom I have very little in common outside of our appreciation of the “NTL style.”
I’ve gamed with Vermicious Knid, and even left him a couple of bitches to play with down in Austin. I consider him more than a mere acquaintance or “internet buddy.”
I’ve been shown gracious hospitality by many of the people I know from NTL, including, once again, some surprising people. Namelips, Emerald, and Schizm, damn hippies all, were quite nice to me (even if Namelips *did* take incriminating photos
), and I’d extend them the same courtesy if they ever needed it. The Draders did the same, despite Bullitt and I having some serious disagreements over the years. I have gamed and drank with many more, some of whom no doubt dislike the real me as much as they hate the internet me.
Yes, there’s a difference between the two for me…quite a large difference, actually. And myopically, I’ve always thought that not only should people see that, and accept it, but that they should act that way too. I was self-absorbed, something that my online persona and I certainly share at times. I have a tendency to steam full-speed ahead without really thinking about how my actions are affecting other people. I’ve done that here, but tonight I took some time to think.
NTL and CM are two different places. I am different from every other individual here, and although I may think I’m right, it’s still incumbent upon me as a social, thinking person to understand how my actions affect others. I cannot expect everyone to change to accept who I am, any more than I’m willing to change to accept who some other people are. If I don’t like the way CM is, then there are clearly different places for me to spend my time. But, if I can recognize what’s good about this place, and there is quite a lot that’s good, then perhaps I can change myself to be able to participate in the good, and bring good into my life and the lives of others rather than sharing only the worst parts of my nature, my moods, and my ideals. I have another place to share the darker side (and I’m not saying I like that any less).
What I am saying is that I recognize everyone here has a right to enjoy themselves and their time however they like, and for me to intrude upon that with unwarranted negativity is against the principles by which I would like to live my life. I may still get into arguments or have disagreements, but one thing I’ve always liked most at NTL is that for the most part they come from a place of mutual respect. I don’t believe I’ve shown the denizens of CM that same level of respect, and for that I am deeply sorry. It saddens me that I’ve allowed myself to take things too far, to make things too personal, and in the end to become something that I dislike very much.
My sincerest apologies, and deepest regrets for any low feelings I may have caused you to feel. You deserve to have a place where you can come and feel at home, like you’re among friends, and I will no longer attempt to take that from you.
Thanks for reading all that shit.
