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Thread: What have you heard, that is bad, about me?

  1. #46
    My father died a slow, grim death over 6 months. He had immense pain, but far less than he would have had, because mother and I successfully obtained prescription painkillers for him, secured the help of hospice and other medical workers to help us.
    My father died at home. He died in a place he loved, with the TV he loved, in the room he loved. That was the most we could give him, along with our love.
    We did not let him die in a cold hospice, under the harsh lights of such places, among strangers. We fought tooth and nail to get him out of the hospice he was in, and we fought tooth and nail to make it possible for him to remain at home until the end.
    Dung and urine soaked the bed, the floor, even the walls. We cleaned it up. He caught clostridium difficile. We spent the money to cure him of it. We fought to get him to walk again after the fall that had crippled him. He refused. He refused the walker, the wheelchair, all of it, and his legs withered away, until they were smaller around than my mother's.
    Near the end, he deliberately fell out of the bed, to kill himself. I picked him up, somehow. I am not very strong, but I did it. We put bars on the bed so it could not happen again.
    The health care workers were at first enthusiastic and optimistic, then pragmatic, then dull and grim, then silent, then gone, replaced by other workers who started out grim. Then by others who spoke little, and what they had to say wasn't pleasant.

    I believe cancer is what weakened my father's bones until his hip broke, and the fall broke it further. That was repaired, but he never walked again. It hastened his death.

    When my father died, only one person in my extended family remained who would verbally communicate with us at all, and he put up a memorial to my father.
    A letter arrived from another, commemorating my father's memory, but when we mentioned communication with that person (to the one who would still speak to us) we learned that no communication was possible.
    From the third person, we received no communication or acknowledgement of any sort, nor do we ever expect to.

    You see, we had something called a War, about 10 years ago, in my family. Why? I don't know. I don't pretend to understand Wars, or their causes.
    But I do know the consequences.
    The consequences were that 2 of my 3 brothers turned on me and my parents, and broke off all communication forever (those are not my words - those are THEIR words, and they proved it true ... in father's case, it has been made forever true.)
    I would have restarted communications with them all, but they will have none of it, and desire no communication.

    The grim words I cited above, spoken against me, were spoken 10 years ago. And, 9 years ago. And, 8 years ago. Then, after that, no words were ever spoken again between them and me, my mother, or my father.
    As I told you, my father spent his final months wondering, in dementia, why his children had turned on him. A good question. I do not have the answers.

    -

    Now, my mother has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. And dementia.
    I can hope the cancer can be fought, and the dementia reversed (especially since it seems to come from B-12 deficiency) but then, I can also hope Pigs Fly. Mother is 85.
    Optimism or not, there will be one ultimate ending. I did not invent aging.
    Nobody remains in my family, except me, who speaks to my mother, except for that one last brother. The others, denounced her as they denounced me, long ago.

    -

    I am completely crippled. I was born crippled, grew up crippled, and lived with my parents because I was crippled. I'm still crippled.
    My one remaining brother who will talk to me, has an answer for that. You know what that answer is?
    To have me put away. He says it will be a Nice Place. Nothing to worry about. There will be elderly people around, I won't have legal rights, but I can live out my remaining 30 years there.
    After he told me what a Nice Thing he had planned for me (and for mother, to live out her remaining 5 years, in his words) we broke off communication with him.

    You see, the LAST thing I ever intended, was to EVER tell my parents how they would live, or where. Father died in his home, in front of the TV he loved, in the chair he loved (for as long as we could save it, then afterwards in the best hospital bed we could rent.)
    If I had my way, my mother would die in her home. Her original home. The home we lived in for 35 years.

    But my family, 10 years ago, threatened my parents, told them they were taking over their lives. We were driven from our home in Michigan, fled to Florida, hid here for our protection.
    My psychiatrist, 2 lawyers, and 1 lawyer who became a judge, all advised us to flee.
    So, although I would love to grant my mother the right to die at home, that is not possible. Home is gone. Home is destroyed. There is nothing to return to.

 

  • #47
    I want it known that I loved my father, I love my mother, and I still love my brothers.
    But I did not invent people or their behaviors. Nor did I invent Wars. Nor did I invent aging, cancer, or dementia, or any of that other stuff.

    It just is.

    Along with my Fate.

  • #48
    Now, please ... return to talking about the Butt Pirates.
    Seriously.
    Like the blood tests that brought welcome relief and a pleasant break from the awesomely painful post surgical recovery back in 1989, after my 100 mile per hour head on with a semi, I could use a little distraction and relief from Butt Pirates now.

    Butt Pirates, for the win.

    Edena_of_Neith

  • #49
    Haulin ass shiningbrow's Avatar
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    It's a stone cold drag when "generous" people with "good intentions" (or more money) attempt to bully you with same in the name of doing something "for your own good."
    "When the subway jerks, it's the fixed stars that throw you down."

  • #50
    That's Wacist! Mistwell's Avatar
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    I had a friend named Dana who was born with a genetically inherited serious mental problem, that manifested as severe depression once he reached in his mid 20s. Drugs could not treat it. Combinations of drugs could not treat it. This was not a psychological problem, it was one of those rarer types that was purely genetically chemically related. He had lived on his own and almost completed college, and had a good job as a chemist for a plastics company, had a girlfriend, was living a fairly normal life. But when this hit, he had to return home, quit his job, quit college in his last semester, and broke up with his girlfriend.

    For nearly 20 years his parents cared for him, as he spent most of his time locked in his parents house, sleeping upwards of 17 hours a day, not going out, not doing anything, most of the time. He'd have brief times when he could leave the house, try and reconnect with friends, do some side projects in computers, and then after a while he'd relapse and go back to locking himself away with crushing depression for another several years.

    It was so bad his doctors at one point considered both electro-shock therapy, and also dangerous brain surgery, both overseas. The leading experts in the field were stymied by his condition.

    Eventually his parents died. A lot of us thought Dana was in serious trouble at that point, and his condition left him not well equipped to care for himself, and his last experience living alone was nearly 20 years prior.

    Fortunately, his battery of doctors were able to find a combination of drugs (many MANY of them, with some there just to counter-act the side effects from some others, and some experimental) that managed to beat back the depression to tolerable levels. Dana was capable of entering the world again, though he was pretty afraid, and still needed some in-home nursing assistance.

    He got a job. He got some new friends, and some of his old friends as well. He even started to date, and got his own apartment. He picked up old hobbies abandoned decades prior, like playing the bagpipe. After so long, and feeling so crippled, Dana got his life back.

    My hope, Edena, is that you can find similar luck. Not the exact same of course, as your situation is obviously not the same. But, similar luck. You should be able to live your own life, as you wish to live it, in your own home (even if that home is now in Florida rather than Michigan - at least Florida has better weather and lower taxes). You'll need some level of in-home nursing assistance of some sort, but that's entirely different from living in someone else's home with other strangers in an entirely assistance-oriented surrounding. You're your own man, and I hope your remaining brother who you're on speaking terms with can figure that out.

    Anyway, good luck Edena. I'm rooting for you, and so are others here.
    I like hats.

  • #51

    Re: What have you heard, that is bad, about me?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bagpuss View Post
    Edena it's not like you are being treated with kid gloves, you are on occasion a little annoying, but you've never come across as mean or spiteful or anything worthy of hate.

    You're one of the good guys if perhaps a little touched(2).
    Exactly!
    Thrilling Action Role Playing Mechanic - by Wil

    http://www.circvsmaximvs.com/showthread.php?t=75380

  • #52
    Mistwell, I wish to cheer Dana on. I do.

    I appreciate your heartfelt and powerful post. Thank you.

    A personal request here, to all. Give Mistwell reputation points. As many as you can. Because I can't think of a more powerful and supportive post, from a good man, than the one that Mistwell just presented.

    Yours Sincerely
    Edena_of_Neith
    Last edited by Edena_of_Neith; March 30th, 2013 at 05:34 PM.

  • #53
    a figment of your imagination COMMUNITY SUPPORTER Palaralae's Avatar
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    Edena, I'm sorry to hear all this has happened to you & your family, and I commend you for taking care of your parents to the best of your ability as you have. Have you looked into hospice & respite care in your area? That's something that could probably help both you & your mother. Even with the plate of utter shyte that you've been served, there's got to be things that you at least once enjoyed that you can find some happiness in, whether it's reading, music, or some sort of hobby. It might be hard, but finding something good to focus on rather than the awful things would likely help your overall state. It does nobody (neither yourself nor your mum) any good to willfully surround yourself with despair & sadness. I hope you can find at least something small in the coming days that can bring a little happiness to you. My encouragement & well-wishes to you. --Palaralae (Passager from NTL, if you remember)
    "And now? With no drunks? There ain't no bums.
    And with no bums, there ain't no muthafuckas to feed the ducks at the park.
    What's a fuckin' town with no ducks, J-Tro? It's nothin'! IT AIN'T NOTHIN!
    How's a ***** to sort his shit out without no DUCKS?!"

  • #54
    Redwick, re-imagined RedWick's Avatar
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    Leave it to Edena to come here for a flogging and instead wind up with a thread of goodwill and personal advice.

    You're strange Edena. You're melodramatic and over-the-top with the stories you tell and sometimes it feels like you're presenting a caricature to the boards. But ultimately? You're good people. You're like this community's weird little brother. If you came here tomorrow asking for help, I don't think anybody here would hesitate to give it to you if they could.
    Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. - Douglas Adams

  • #55
    You're good people, and I wish to say so.
    Those who would defame Gamers, should consider the kind of generosity that I've seen in this thread.

    Are there flame wars? Sure. But there are always flame wars. What's new about that?
    Are there bad feelings, angry people, dissing, and all that? Sure. But that's just how everyone is. It does not make any condemnatory statement about you, or about any of us.

    Concerning me, I now have a diagnosis on my mother. Invasive lobular carcinoma, stage 3. She's 85, so chemotherapy and radiation are out of the question. We can hope hormone therapy will help, but the tests on whether the cancer is treatable by that means, will not be in until tomorrow.
    The lumpdectomy was not sufficient. Cancer remains in what remains of the breast. But a mastectomy will be awfully hard on someone who is 85, so they are hesitant about it.
    Frankly, and they said as much, they don't consider my mother is long for this world. They are pessimistic, more pessimistic than me (and that's saying something), and cite a variety of factors for why they are so. Heart bypass surgery, blood pressure, and other things.

    But you know what?
    Surviving cancer is a matter of attitude as much as it is, a doctor's diagnosis, in my opinion.
    My father survived for 14 years with cancer, with it at stage 4 (metasized) for several years. It did not kill him (and that cancer, is what ultimately killed my father, not his fall) until he gave up, and discontinued treatment (actually, I did not know he had discontinued treatment until long after he did ... mother and our doctor fought him fiercely on the matter, but short of legal action could not force him to continue his treatments.)

    Father gave up. He gave in. With cancer, that's fatal.
    My mother is not about to give up, or give in. She is ready to fight. She is ready to do what it takes to prolong her life. She wants to survive. I am going to be there for her. All the way.

    We may lose. The cancer may win and take my mother It IS cancer, after all, and I do not underestimate the horror and lethality of this foe. Neither does my mother.
    But, by all that is right and reasonable, we are not giving in without a fight. We are going to fight.

    Admittedly, if hormone therapy is not possible, that changes things very unfortunately. But the chances of the cancer being receptive to that treatment is 80%, so we hope for the tests to show a favorable result. And everything I've read, and what the doctor has said also, indicate that hormone treatment can stop this cancer, or slow it to the point of greatly prolonging life.
    Last edited by Edena_of_Neith; April 2nd, 2013 at 04:57 PM.

  • #56
    Quality of life trumps quantity of life, so just be sure you fight in ways that don't compromise what time she has left. You want to enjoy your time with each other, so keep a tight leash on the doctors and their attempts to fight aggressively. With your mother at 85 you need to be interested in delaying actions more so that outright defeat of the cancer.

    Best of luck to you both.
    Quote Originally Posted by nail bunny View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member.
    I believe the hammer locking back is PWD's trigger warning.

  • #57
    Quote Originally Posted by RedWick View Post
    Leave it to Edena to come here for a flogging and instead wind up with a thread of goodwill and personal advice.

    You're strange Edena. You're melodramatic and over-the-top with the stories you tell and sometimes it feels like you're presenting a caricature to the boards. But ultimately? You're good people. You're like this community's weird little brother. If you came here tomorrow asking for help, I don't think anybody here would hesitate to give it to you if they could.
    Thank you for the compliment.
    Unfortunately, though, there is a flogging. Not by anyone here, but by reality.
    It is a severe flogging indeed, to watch and be a part of your father slowly dying in great pain, wasting away, stripped of dignity and humanity as the cancer and atrophy turn him into a living corpse. When feces and urine smear the bed, the floor, the wall, and your father himself from head to toe, and you have to clean it up, it happens practically every day, and father is beyond the point where he even cares about such things.
    This is someone you love. This is someone, who was there for you, who put food on the table, put a roof over your head, worked long and hard hours so you could have a decent childhood and a chance at life once you grew up. This person, was your father. A good man, a decent man, a man who gave a great part of his entire life for you.
    And now he is an unrecognizable, wasted thing, lying there. Then, he is dead.

    Flogging?
    I could not imagine a verbal flogging that can match what reality offers.

  • #58
    Quote Originally Posted by PWD View Post
    Quality of life trumps quantity of life, so just be sure you fight in ways that don't compromise what time she has left. You want to enjoy your time with each other, so keep a tight leash on the doctors and their attempts to fight aggressively. With your mother at 85 you need to be interested in delaying actions more so that outright defeat of the cancer.

    Best of luck to you both.

    Well said. And you are right.
    The doctors made that assessment as well, I think.

  • #59
    I hope Edena chokes on a mouth full of dicks. Not only would it be impossible for him to continue typing this bullshit, but it would be funny, because "mouth full of dicks."
    Last edited by scutisorex shrewlord; April 2nd, 2013 at 07:04 PM.

  • #60
    Do they come from the traditional bowl?
    Quote Originally Posted by nail bunny View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member.
    I believe the hammer locking back is PWD's trigger warning.

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